Suena’s Blog-Flushed Away
Last night, a week after writing a goodbye note and planning the end of my life, I flushed away the bottle of pills, I had saved to end my life.
And how did I find the strength to do that? When a week ago, I didn’t have the strength to wash my hair.
I found it through prayers. Prayers and poems and positive words of
encouragement sent from total and complete strangers who have shown me
kindness that I have never known. I had a kind man call me today to
offer me encouragement, ask me to hold on and not to end my life. He
told me of how he had developed heart trouble and was experiencing
shortness of breath doing simple activities — the diagnosis had been
made and he had a pacemaker implanted. He talked about how grateful he
was to have come through that procedure, how much he loved his wife,
the joys of their forty-two year marriage, and how proud he was of his
new grandchildren. And about how happy and blessed he felt to be alive.
He told me that life was a precious gift, and that I do have a reason to
go on living, and that God has a plan for me. That things are tough
now, but they will get better because God has me in the palm of his
hand and then he prayed with me on the phone. It was so beautiful and
uplifting that I couldn’t hold back my tears. I’m in tears again now
just remembering it.
A week ago, I would have heard all of that and still have longed to end my life. And this week, I feel hopeful
and so blessed for the kindness and prayers and compassion of
strangers.
The world looks so different to me today. I am still afraid. I don’t know what will happen to me. But I no longer
feel alone. I no longer feel like no one cares. It is an amazing feeling. For so long I’ve been afraid to reach out. Ashamed of the way I was feeling, the position I’m in, and ashamed of wanting to end
my life. Afraid of being judged for feeling the way that I did. Today
is a far cry from where I was a week ago.
It’s a new day indeed.
My Dear Suena,
I read your story today online and came to this site and read your blog. I am so glad you are doing better, and I just want to encourage you to hang in there and to know that all is well.
Three years ago I was in a very, very similar place. I don’t want to get into all the details, but I was in massive debt because of heath problems and insufficient health insurance and was plagued by thoughts that I was a bad and unworthy person. I was very, very depressed and started planning my “exit,” which is never a good sign. Fortunately at the time I was with a very loving man who saw what was going on, took me to his therapist, who agreed to see me for whatever I could afford, which at the time was only $5 a session, and fought to get me into the city healthcare system so I could get antidepressant medication, since at that point I had no health insurance. With the help of my boyfriend, my therapist, and of course, God, I got my life back on track.
The whole thing was a spiritual renewal for me, and over time I came to the understanding that there is no need to feel unworthy because I am a child of God and all God sees is a beautiful, worthy being. I realized the only thing that blocks me from God and his grace is my own belief that I am unworthy, and that is a false belief. So keep that in mind; God is always with you, always, always, always. All you have to do is let go and the Divine will carry you. I’m sure with Linda’s and the Angel Helper’s assistance you are realizing that, but I just wanted to add to that, and to tell you that you are absolutely loved and treasured as you are and where you are right now in this moment, and that life is such a precious, precious gift.
My prayers are with you, and may you know every single day, and every single moment the bountiful love that God has for you.
With many blessings and much love to you,
Kelly
Kelly said this on March 9, 2009 at 2:05 pm